Sweaty Bollocks

Why does shit always happen when shit is happening?

So, I scouted my favourite and very necessary grow suppliers about two weeks ago and compiled shopping baskets of all the things I needed. Turned out to be about £200 worth of 'necessary' supplies (you always run low of your bulk supplies at the worst possible time). Reaching for the old, withered and clapped out debit card, I found out that the MRS had got there before me and wiped me out with a righteous fury rarely seen!

Shiiiiiiiiittttt La, the world is about to hibernate and I am facing gorilla grows at a time of national enforced lockdown- I mean fuck dude - more conspicuous than french kissing a copper in a rasta wig.

OK, breathe into the paper bag, light a fat one, Plan B.........

After consulting with my accountants, financial advisors and hedge fund managers, and thereafter creating a bespoke excel profit/loss spreadsheet with the input of Mr Hang and Mr Seng, I was able to calculate that I am effin' skint, totally brassocked and cream crackered until payday!

Quick scramble to try and remember what day I get paid on (it moves around by a day or two from month to month), shit man the 25th (the latest it could have been).

Resigned to my fiduciary state, I kept a 100 candle vigil each day, checking to see that my suppliers remained open. Each day started with a pang of intense fear followed by relief as the web-page confirmed that they remained open for business. Then it got medieval.

Day by day, one by one, my suppliers contacted me to tell me that they were closing certain stores on certain days and this continued until three days ago when they contacted me to tell me that all their stores were now closed but they were continuing to do web buisiness.

Fingernails now looking as if they have been manicured by the FSB, hair falling out in chunks, and this morning....... THIS BLOODY MORNING they contacted me to tell me that they were closing their web based business to allow them to catch up with the on-line demand and that 'last orders' were for 5pm TODAY.

So I ran to my online banking app to see if I had been paid (this was 10am this morning) - I usually get paid about 12pm - 1pm most occasions. I knew I was 2 hours early but that didn't stop me from checking every 15 seconds or so until I received an email from the Boss, saying that his accountants have had a few difficulties as they are also working from home but he would get everyone paid eventually today.

THAT WAS AT 2:15pm...................I had still not been paid.

I then watched the clock tick agonisingly by whilst my thumbs checked my fiduciary status in a perpertual loop of motion, veritable hummingbirds on red bull. That was up to 3:45pm

When the Eagle landed and my monetary status proudly declared me solvent once again and fit to fuel the global economy.

So off to the websites to pay for my pre-selected shopping baskets, all fine and dandy. Log on, select basket, enter debit card details, press 'paynow' and ............nothing

The 'verified' banking software utilised by my bank to protect against fraud kept crashing in my web browser.

So after repeating the experience in two other web browsers and the clock ticking by, I finally got it to work in shoddy old Internet Explorer and received my order receipt at 4:34pm.

Why does shit always happen when shit is happening?